Self Image

So this blog probably isnt coming from the best place in me that it could cus im a little upset an depressed but anyway. I was sitting here listening to music here in the dark in my room thinking about why i am alone on a friday night, in college. An after a lot of debating in my head I came to the realization that I am upset because I think that other girls, other people, look better than I do an because of that I get mad with myself an others. All i want is to be able to wear that one outfit that has all the guys all over me. Or i want it to be when i walk into a room people turn an look. I want to be able to show of my legs, my arms, an have a nice butt. I want bigger breasts an I want a smaller stomach. I hate what i have let myself become an i want to take the easy way out of it. but i just cant afford it. I want to be the person that i see an imagine in my head.

The thing that surprises me the most is, that even tho i look awful there is still one guy in the world who loves me for me. He makes me feel special an i want to just hold on to him an never let go. I love this man an he makes me feel like that dream girl that I want to be so badly lol But that was my sob story. An i know ppl will say when u get fed up enough you will do something about it. True but its just not that easy. So keep ur mouth closed b4 i have to do something about it lol

Truth an Agony

So Jezmyne, I dont know how to even start off telling you what i need to tell you! there are like 3 different subjects that I need to address, but I think im going to just get it all outa my system an tell it like it is lol.

First I might as well say this may not be a complete thought, just because I have been up all night, yes thats right, no sleep an i have been talking to the person that this blog involves. Sorry Truth, you knew it was coming.

Anyway the first thing i want to say is that I am sorry once again. I had no idea that my little answer of No had meant so much to you an your well-being of life. I had no idea that you had really wanted me to do such a small thing an I had refused to do it, after all you had done for me. All this time when u had been saying you are so selfish an all you think about is yourself, I had never truly believe you. I mean i have been called selfish my entire life people. People saying like why could you let them borrow this, or you could of let them have that. An i never felt like i was in the wrong in those instances. But tonight, man tonight you took a shot at my ego, my heart, an my perspective of myself. Now this is not a pity party for me lol. No, no I am going to explain to you why I say these things an how i plan on changing them in the future. First off my ego, after you gave me the example of my selfishness, I was honestly surprised. I had no idea that, that one small act had really hurt you so much. I really didnt even think twice about saying no an i hadnt thought about it again until last night. I dont know how to convey to you how little if the situation i thought it was. I really didnt think that it was a big deal at the moment an if i could go back at that very moment an say yes i would in a heart beat!!! I hope you understand that i was not thinking at that moment an I understand fully that I really hurt you. When you sent me those txt msg b4 you called me back, they brought tears to my eyes. I wanted to run over there an hug u so bad! I wanted to apologize an express how extremely sry i truly am! I could not believe that I had done something of this magnitude to someone that I care for so dearly! If i had known how i had made you feel this entire time, i would have removed myself from your life because of all the "Agony" that I cause you! This hurt me inside to know that I had caused you soooo much pain. When i was asking questions about the situation you told me that i had caused you much of that pain. I dont think you know how horrible that made me feel. Not because i am a great person, but because I never knew that i was constantly hurting you like i was. As i said i like having firsts but the one today was not one that I would like to re visit after this. I know you said that we was straight an all but i could not shake the feeling that you made me have. I felt as if, If i say that I am your friend, then i should be a person that shows you warmth, kindness, a shoulder to cry on, an basically everything that I have not been! I promise you if i had known dat i would have not been the person I am today which we did decide is a very good thing.

That brings me into my second point. I am glad that you realize that I have matured! Just so everyone knows I am now at the maturity level of a 21 year old. An at only being 18 that is a very good place to be. I have come to conclusions in my mind that make me want the better things in life for myself. I was so happy that someone had realized some of the changes that I am trying to make for myself. I know that for the first 3 hours of our conversation i was doing really good giving advice! An after i got off the phone i went an ate some cereal an as i was eating I was looking thru the book trying to clarify somethings that I had learned an wanted to share them with you. So make sure you get back to me on that one, because I have a lot of notes to talk to you about! lol I really do only want the best for you an I want to make sure that you have everything you need to do that.

Now to the third point as u mentioned you are a very smart student an you know how to succeed in a wide variety of subjects. One of them being Biology! I would love it if I could enlist you helping me study an explain ideas an concepts to me. I can see you as a very good teacher an I would be honored to have you as my tutor.

Now my final point, man this is the hardest section i think that I have yo write. Now this is the second part to my other message that I wrote first. I didnt want to include this part of the message because I wanted to see what you had to say first an after hearing what i did get from your reply i felt like i should include it here in this message.

---I feel like i have come a long ass way with you! i feel like you have made me into the better person that I am today an i am not saying that to just say that, I really do mean it. Another part of that is that i think that one of the reasons that I keep chasing after you as I call it, is because I think I am connected with you more than on a personal level, an even a sexual level. I think that i am experiencing the mirror imaging of my first love/romance. Yes i did just day that an I know i was surprised to come to that too. But when I think about it, i have never chased after a guy so hard an so long in my entire life. I wrote out one day what i like about you an what i cant stand about you. An after reading that list an making it I really felt as if i wanted to be with you forever. i know this is a bit late from the other message but i mean i think that this blog site is a good place for me to express freely what I am feeling an that is one of the last emotions that i wanted to make sure you were aware of. I know this is a shock to you an hope you dont get freaked out about it or anything, But i do really think I love you an I want to do something with that love other than being friends...if at all possible. I dont know how u are going to take this but i hope you take it in the best way possible an that is speaking to you directly from my heart.

So i guess after this long message you are throughly confused an prolly need to take a nap lol. But back to the conversation about Sussie, War Eagle!!!

Respect

A few days ago as I was watching the Dr. Phil show, Steve Harvey, the comedian was on the show talking about his new book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. During the show he gave great advice to woman about how men think an why they do what they do. After the show I knew that i needed that book. So yesterday I went to Barnes an Nobel an purchased his book. Not knowing what to expect I put of starting the book until about 2:30am. As soon as I began reading I was hooked. Getting advice from a man about how men act an why they act the way they do an how to get the man you want an keep him, this book was like gold. I stayed up reading this book til 4:30am when my eyes just could stay open anymore. I was learning as I went through the book an the one section that inspired me to write this blog was the section titled, Over Love isnt like your Love. As Steve lays out in the book men need few things. But the things that they do need are very important an essential to their happiness an well being. He starts of by saying that to find a good man an to keep him a man must first establish himself. They must know who they are, have established what they do, an know how much they make or atleast on the track to get there. He explains that men are in a competition with other men everywhere to be the best of them all. Making the money that want, having the job that they want, an knowing where they are going in life. In this chapter, Steve explain what men need to love. Men are big on their egos. Men need to be treated or at least think are your king. Men are protectors an will do anything in their power to make sure that the woman that they love has everything that she needs, is protected, an has all of her basic needs met. He also mentions that a man should respect a lady. He mentions how men think about woman like a fisherman thinks about fishing. A fisherman will either keep a fish that he catches or he will throw it back if it is not the perfect fish that he is looking for. Same for men. If a man is talking to a girl an she has an attitude or makes him feel worthless then she is a throw back. But when a woman has respect for herself an is independent she is a possible keeper. Another thing I learned was that when a guy really likes you he will take you an introduce you to his family an friends. If a guy gives a title to the girl he is with other than your name an friend then you are a possible keeper. Once he gives you a title he is announcing to the whole world that he claims you an you are his. Now a man once you are his an even before that, he should treat u a certain way. He should show you that he really wants you. The trick is that u have to lay out for him what u want from the start. Men need a blueprint to what makes you happy. But you dont exactly say i want this, I dont want that, an I cant tolerate this. You have to disguise what you want with sweet talk. A man will treat you any ole kinda a way when he doesnt know the rules you are wanting to play by. He also lays out that a man when he comes up to you wants to know how fast it will be for him to be able to get in bed with you. He will decide if you are worth the trouble an the effort to try an be in a relationship with you. Once you lay out what it will take for a guy to get with you an he agrees to abide by those rules then you must hold him to it. If you want him to call you you, make sure you tell him that when you are interested in getting to know a guy, you want to talk to him a few times a week to get to know him better. If you want him to be on time, tell him that time is precious an who like it when ppl are on time an if they are not going to be on time that they show you the common courteously to call an tell me that they are going to be late.

Anyway what I took from this book is that I need to have more standards an expect more from men. I have to lay out to them, ask them questions, an show them what I am expecting in a man an let them decide if im worth it. From now on i will not be man chasing an trying to find a boyfriend. I will wait an let that right man come along who is right for me. I will not let men treat me just any old way because I am worth more than that an so i will show them that. Anyway this is what my new revelation that I will be living by in 2010. So men be ware, a new me is on the loose an im not tryna play games. So if you are willing to work, then ill be here waiting!

Emotions

Jezmyne,

Have you ever wondered why we have emotions? Why some peoples emotions are more extreme or less extreme than others? Or, how about why people show their emotions in different ways? Well i was thinking today, as usual, an I thought about these points. I know that emotions show how we feel about different things that we are feeling, and that without emotions this world an everyone would just be the same person to some degree. I love expressing my emotions. Hence why I love to writing on here. Emotions are a powerful thing though. Displayed in the wrong time, place, or with the wrong audience, emotions can turn into a very deadly, hurtful, or they can be misread. I personally like to share my emotions because I like to get others opinions to what i am feeling an thinking. Anyway, having emotions, whether it be good or bad, does make a person an individual. Some people share their emotions more freely than others. Some are a lot more private an no matter how much you try an pull out what they are feeling, it just wont happen.

If you sit back an watch a social networking site such as Facebook for instance you are able to read a lot of emotions that people are feeling. This would be a great study for someone with a lot of time to study an see how many different emotions a group of people an a single individual feel a day.

Have you thought about how music effects your emotions? This was just brought to my attention as I was writing this very blog. I was listening to my iTunes on shuffle an very up beat song came on an i found it very hard to concentrate on what i was trying to write. After clicking thru abut 5 songs i decided to just switch to a easy going artist. Cant go wrong with India Arie. But once i changed to some easy listening my mood an emotions has changed. Another factor was txt messages. I hate receiving txt while I am in the middle of writing. I lose my train of thought an must start another conversation.

But one of the main reasons I wrote this blog was to share with myself how i feel when people play with my emotions. I hate when people take me as an emotionally weak person. Yes i am sensitive, I do take things very seriously, an my feelings get hurt quiet a lot. But i would rather be sensitive than have no emotion at all. I have realized lately that people feel like they can tease me an dangle my emotions in the air an deal with them at their every whim. I hate expressing myself to someone when i am not sure what the response will be. For example when you tell someone how you feel an they beat around the bush not telling you their opinion back in return for days. Or for other people who think think that just because u are a nice person that you wont say no an get mad when you do. I am a very dominant person I would say an I am not afraid by any means. If i don't want to do something then I wont, so don't be surprised when i say no.

I feel at the moment a little in lala land because I dont want to over react but I want an answer. But when people feel like they have power over what you are wanting from them they take advantage of that. An someone whom you think you kinda knew, you second guess yourself an think that you really dont after all. What is a girl to do? How do you trust people but not get your feelings hurt. How do u let people in but not let them in too far? I know there is a balance but where an when does the balance affect me in my decisions.

What really throws this emotional journey for a loop is, is that there are 3 really great men in my life right not. All of which I wish an hope to keep in my life forever. All of which I want to date an all of which provided an offer something that I am looking for in a relationship. Unfortunately I want them in different orders but I want one more than I want all the others. One of them i feel the most comfortable with but he doesnt really want me. The second one is really nice but i dont know if he is mature enough for me. He is still tryna be a playa an i dont want to have to deal with that in a relationship bc i am a very jealous person. An the third man. Oh man, lol he is my most mature, entertaining one of them all. He makes me feel at ease when i am with him. He has something that the others do not posses. He is in the military. I wanted a military man before i met him. He is a chef in the army. I really like this man, but after talking an getting to know him, if i were in a long term relationship with him I feel like I would end up being by myself a lot because he would be over seas an moving a lot. I really like him an he posses everything that I look for in a man. He is smart, educated, mature, romantic, funny, an knows how to treat me. He is not the most attractive guy in my opinion but i dont want to be superficial. I really do like him. Today he asked me if I would be his girlfriend, an I told him no. I felt really bad. But my heart is still wanting another man. I want the one that I can not have or dont know if I can have. I dont want to let him hold my future in his hands but I dont want to move on before this has run its route. I dont know what to do. Then the second boy, he is not ready for a relationship but I am going to keep him as a friend a really good friend of mine actually. If this all ends up in the right way all of these men will be my friends in the end. I love them all an want to keep them all. But I can only have one.

How this all ties into each other is because I want the one person whom I really want an he knows whom he is, to tell me how he really feels about me. Not in a mean, degrading way, but to just have a heart to heart an explain to em how he feels. All games aside, just a way for me to know. I know I probably wont get this from him, but at least I asked.

So emotions as I started off, can change lives, (like mine) an they can also bring people closer together. This is one of life's many challenges for me, but I will overcome it! May have bumps an bruises an a hurt ego but I will learn from this as I already have an I think I have almost fixed the problem that I am in.

So as I finish think about your emotions an use them in the best way an not as a shield to tot he real you!

Toodle Doo!

THE RELATIONSHIP HOUSE

Hello again,

So this is kind of a random post but i was thinking today that I want to use this as my release to my thoughts an feelings an part of my personality is to kind of brag on myself. So a few weeks ago i wrote a piece called the relationship house. So i am going to copy an paste it here for you to enjoy as well. Let me know what you think!

I was sitting down thinking the other day about how a relationship works. An I came up with a visual in my head of how I viewed it. So i wanted to share it with everyone. This is long, so if you are going somewhere, or doing something important, come back an read it later. But if you need some entertainment, you might like this lol.

A relationship is like a house. You are in your car driving by a house that you see an you think it looks nice. You driving by, is you seeing a nice guy/girl that you think looks attractive. After you drive by if it was a nice enough house you turn around an pull into the driveway. Pulling into the driveway is going up to that person an making an opportunity to meet them. After you meet them if it goes well an you like them, or they are nice, you then move to the front porch. On the front porch, this is where you get to know the basics. Like hi my name is, im from wherever, im how old an you know the basics. Then if this goes well then the person invites you into their house. This is where the person wants to know you on a more personal level an to potentially date you. Once inside the door you are in the persons foyer. In the foyer you are getting to know the person on a deeper level. Trying to see what this person is really about an get more detailed information. Now this is an important place because both parties are able to play it safe. When right inside someone's door if it doesn't work out or something happens you aren't too deep into the house that it causes problems. Just like in a real house when u let someone in, an they do something that turns you off an you want them to leave. Its easier to ask them to leave while they are in the foyer compared to them being somewhere else in the house lol. Anyway while in the foyer, this is where the relationship can begin. The next step is moving to the living room. Both parties have to be ready to go to the living room which is represented with the official title of dating. While walking down the hall to the living room from the foyer both parties have grown to like each other an feel comfortable with moving farther into this persons house. Once in the living room you can sit down an get comfortable. Enjoying regular conversation, drinks, an going out an just enjoying each others company. Just like in a real living room this is where you are comfortable an its not stressful. This is where it is a place to relax an really get to know an understand the person. After the living room comes the kitchen an dinning room. Once you move to this part of the house things have become a little more serious. For girls once you go into a mans kitchen that is a big step lol. Men like a woman who can cook an by going into his kitchen you have made a major leap. lol. Once in the kitchen an dinning room you two have become a lot closer. This would be the place where some heavy subjects may arise but are never really fully addressed. Just like in a conversation at dinner its relaxing but you are still on your best behavior. After staying in the dinning room for awhile you are then able to get up an move to the stairs. Going past the front door again you are able to get out if you want to or go up the stairs. At this point you have truly gotten to know this person an they have shown you what they are about so you know now if you want to continue this or move on. Once you leave the dinning room you head up the stairs. Now the stairs are a tricky place. The stairs are very rocky an bumpy. Just like real stairs you have to take them slowly an work your way up. in a relationship this is where serious conversations arise. This is where politics, religion, family, an other really heavy subjects occur. They happen here because these take time, just like going up the stairs. Yes you may fall backwards a few steps but you can still go an reach the top. Once at the top you go to the study. Once you are at the study this is where you study his family an upbringing a lot more in depth. This is where you meet an spend more time getting to know his parents an siblings. He is going to be like his family because how he was raised an how he was treated will be how he will treat you. This is in the study because you are studying them as well as them studying you. This is an important place to be because once you leave the study, oh you cant leave the study until his/her parents have accepted you because if you move to fast the relationship will not be as strong as it could be. Let the family get a chance to know an like you. After leaving the study though, you head to the bathroom. In the bathroom this is where you take time to really self examine. look in the mirror at yourself an really see if this is what you want in a marriage. You are in deep now. There is no turning back really an you need to examine yourself an your partner to see if this is what you want first an if you are ready to move on. After leaving the bathroom you head to the master bedroom. This is where the marriage occurs. This is the final place to visit in the house an signifies that the house is complete.

Now about the house. You can not move to quickly through the house. If you have just met someone you can not run into their house an start eating in their kitchen. In real life if someone did this you would be very suspicious, like who do they think they are, right. So don't do that in your relationship house. Take your time. Also don't rush anything. If someone is in the foyer, don't try to drag them down the hall to the living room. Sit there with them an talk to them there for awhile until you are both ready to move down the hall. If someone is comfortable in the foyer or anywhere else wait on them to be ready to move to the next room. If you are in the kitchen/dinning room an your ready to head up the stairs an the person has just eaten an wants to rest before heading up the stairs, let them. Maybe you need to rest there too. Also while you are moving through the house do a little snooping along the way. Look at pictures on the wall, which are past relationships, look under couches, which are things that he wouldn't come out an just tell you. Look a long the way. See how the house is decorated. This is see how he lives his life. What's his lifestyle. Does he smoke, drink, have kids, been divorced, different things along the way that might impact or you feel are necessary information. When in the persons house, don't steel anything. Don't play with their emotions. If you really wanna move in their house don't try an manipulate them to do things an play with their feelings because in the end it will not turn out well. No one likes to have things stolen form them. An the last point is if the house looks to clean, such as that person looks to good to be true, you have to go in the house an see. Yes you may be disappointed once you get there an you realize oh he has a maid or his mother is the one cleaning, but you may find out that he or she really is the person that they say they are. So don't get stuck in one part of the house too long. If you stay too long then the other person might get impatient an move on. If they really want you they will wait but don't make them wait too long. Overall if you move through the house appropriately, you just might be able to start adding people to your house, such as kids, a dog, or anything else.

Well thats the relationship house an hopefully this gave you a good visual to how a relationship can an could work. So when in a relationship think about it as a house an make sure its the house you want to be in!

A New 2010

Hello again,

I know it has only been a few hours since i have written you Jezmyne, but i felt like i needed to express some things that are on my mind. I wanted to talk about me going back to school in a week. I am quiet nervous to return. Dont get me wrong, i absolutely LoVE being at school! It is the first place that I can honestly say that I feel like I belong. Not that i didnt feel like I belonged before I went to school, but here its like I fit. I am surrounded by people who fit me not just by their knowledge but by their personalities, qualities, beliefs, goals an aspirations. The people here have become my family. I can say that I love them an I would do a lot for them. I have my family of 12 there whom i am the most close with. They are my rock. But after speaking with a few of them, an even I agree, that we need to tone it down this semester. We need to not hang out so much an focus more on school. But it hurts m inside to think that i am losing the people that i have grown so close to this past semester. I dont want to lose them an it scares me when they say they are going to be more to themselves. It feels like they are abandoning me. But i need to in a sense, abandon them. I need to study an do better. But i think i value my friends more. I know that this semester is going to change i just wanted to express myself so i knew how i felt about it as well.

Good bye til later! <3

Truth

Dear Diary,

As you can see this is my first entry. I have decided to write to you today because of a friend of mine whom also writes to his journal. He writes his thoughts, feelings, emotions, problems, ideas, an concerns into his journal an because of this I have decided to have a journal of my own. I will call you Jezmyne. A Jezmyne in my mind is like jewel, only it is worth more an has a deeper, personnel meaning.

Seeing as I dont know who will read this, the names I use may not always be real people. They may sometimes be names I like or describing the persons behavior. But anyway this is the first official entry to a new me.

About me I am a college student who loves to socialize! I am an only child an I love animals. I love sports watching tv an cooking. But this is not what you all wanted to hear about it so im going to get to the real information.

I am a complicated individual. I am somewhat difficult to understand. Now i don't want to come off as a mean, dumb, slut, or any other verb or adjective that you may associate me with but i am going to start with the only thing that i know to start with. The person who inspired me. We are going to call him Truth. Truth is a guy that I met within my first few weeks of college. Being in a new state, new people, new life i was on top of the world. I was convinced that this was going to be my new change an I was going to be a totally different person than I was in high school. But then i met Truth. Truth changed my life. He brought things to my attention, demonstrated things to me, an opened my eyes to different things that I never knew about myself. But Truth, he hurt me in some ways that i can not believe I let happened. When I first met Truth he came to my dorm an we conversed for awhile an one thing led to another an we ended up in my dorm room. After this night I became very close to Truth. Truth held my heart an I dont think he realized that he did. After my first encounter with Truth i wanted to be with him every day! Even as I am writing this now i wish i was with him. as u continue u will probably wonder why i wish to be with him, but i can not explain it to you. Anyway Truth, brought me into woman hood one night an I will never forget this night with him. It was not what i was expecting it to be but i have no regrets about it to this day. I am not sure what he feels about this night but i know that for me it was life changing. After this it feels like to me that Truth an I's relation only grew on a sexual level. I could not get enough of him. He could tough me, talk to me, an do things that made me want him even that much more. Every time when he would come over i never wanted him to go. Hoping I could only hold on to him just a few seconds longer. Hoping i could get one more kiss, hug, or tough to last me till the nxt visit. After seeing him about 4 times I wanted him all to myself! I wanted him as my boyfriend an i wanted to hold on an never let go. ironically, after this 4th visit i did not hear from Truth for quiet sometime. An to be honest I didnt miss him. I felt as if I had been abandoned an betrayed by him an him leaving was not as much of a hurt that i thought it would have been. after a month or so Truth txt messaged me. It felt as if we had started over in our relationship in some way. I was surprised to see him back. It started off again very fast. He came over again an we talked an made up for hurting each others feelings an we were happy. Now what really confused me was after i thought about it Truth had been mad at me or i was angry with him on every encounter that we had had. now on the first meeting that we had with each other that we were not mad at one another it ended up bad. This one night of our last visit was the best night of my life!!! It started in the car with the fogged up windows an continued up to my dorm room. I have never felt so totally comfortable with a man in my entire life! Just being in his pressence eases me an makes me one with him. I have never felt like this with anyone an here is someone whom i am having this experience with. Truth became my teacher. He showed me things that i had never experienced. This night i thought i had captured Truth in my heart an I thought that he would be mine. I thought we had totally connected but only to come to find out later we had not. After this meeting we went on christmas break. Talking to Truth everyday for the first 2 weeks we learned A LOT about each other. Deals were made, ideas were thought of an plans were made. Only to learn yesterday to be exact that this man i have had a relationship with tells me that he is not looking to be in a relationship with me. He has another "shawty" as he would say, an he was not looking to be with me. I was hurt, to be honest, an i dont think that he realizes that he did. I felt as if he had not takin into consideration to what i wanted in life an was only thinking about himself. Which to be fair that is all he should be thinking about. But as he would say i am a selfish person but i know what i want an i dont know how to get what i want without being selfish. Truth made me learn about myself in this process, an as i talk to him i get nervous about what i say to him because i dont want to run him off or loose him. I feel as if i am chasing after him only hoping that he looks back for a brief moment. The bad part of this story is i dont know what i want from this man. Some days i want him just for sex, other days i want him for conversation, an some days i want him for advice. We have both agreed that we would be better as friends. An this makes sense to me. But i dont know that i want him as a friend. i want him for all the above reasons an more. I want him to know that no matter what he thinks of me i am totally honest with him, only want whats best for him, wants to make something out of this mess of a ball that i feel like we are in. You have become one of the people i really trust in this world Truth an I cant imagine letting anyone else have you. The reason i call u truth is because you were the truth that i needed in my life. Sometimes you make me feel horrible about myself, you make me wonder y i do what i do, an i feel bad if i have hurt you. After talking to you today u made me want you even more. I know u cant hear this or see this but as i write my eyes fill with teas bc i dont know what is going to happen at the end of this note. I dont know what u will say or how u wil act. Basically what i want to get across to you in this note is that i never want to lose you an i want you as more than a friend! I dont want to have to share you an I dont understand y u dont see the same things in me. So i am going to stop here an hear what u have to say an then depending on your answer i will write the nxt part.

So good bye for now!