First I might as well say this may not be a complete thought, just because I have been up all night, yes thats right, no sleep an i have been talking to the person that this blog involves. Sorry Truth, you knew it was coming.
Anyway the first thing i want to say is that I am sorry once again. I had no idea that my little answer of No had meant so much to you an your well-being of life. I had no idea that you had really wanted me to do such a small thing an I had refused to do it, after all you had done for me. All this time when u had been saying you are so selfish an all you think about is yourself, I had never truly believe you. I mean i have been called selfish my entire life people. People saying like why could you let them borrow this, or you could of let them have that. An i never felt like i was in the wrong in those instances. But tonight, man tonight you took a shot at my ego, my heart, an my perspective of myself. Now this is not a pity party for me lol. No, no I am going to explain to you why I say these things an how i plan on changing them in the future. First off my ego, after you gave me the example of my selfishness, I was honestly surprised. I had no idea that, that one small act had really hurt you so much. I really didnt even think twice about saying no an i hadnt thought about it again until last night. I dont know how to convey to you how little if the situation i thought it was. I really didnt think that it was a big deal at the moment an if i could go back at that very moment an say yes i would in a heart beat!!! I hope you understand that i was not thinking at that moment an I understand fully that I really hurt you. When you sent me those txt msg b4 you called me back, they brought tears to my eyes. I wanted to run over there an hug u so bad! I wanted to apologize an express how extremely sry i truly am! I could not believe that I had done something of this magnitude to someone that I care for so dearly! If i had known how i had made you feel this entire time, i would have removed myself from your life because of all the "Agony" that I cause you! This hurt me inside to know that I had caused you soooo much pain. When i was asking questions about the situation you told me that i had caused you much of that pain. I dont think you know how horrible that made me feel. Not because i am a great person, but because I never knew that i was constantly hurting you like i was. As i said i like having firsts but the one today was not one that I would like to re visit after this. I know you said that we was straight an all but i could not shake the feeling that you made me have. I felt as if, If i say that I am your friend, then i should be a person that shows you warmth, kindness, a shoulder to cry on, an basically everything that I have not been! I promise you if i had known dat i would have not been the person I am today which we did decide is a very good thing.
That brings me into my second point. I am glad that you realize that I have matured! Just so everyone knows I am now at the maturity level of a 21 year old. An at only being 18 that is a very good place to be. I have come to conclusions in my mind that make me want the better things in life for myself. I was so happy that someone had realized some of the changes that I am trying to make for myself. I know that for the first 3 hours of our conversation i was doing really good giving advice! An after i got off the phone i went an ate some cereal an as i was eating I was looking thru the book trying to clarify somethings that I had learned an wanted to share them with you. So make sure you get back to me on that one, because I have a lot of notes to talk to you about! lol I really do only want the best for you an I want to make sure that you have everything you need to do that.
Now to the third point as u mentioned you are a very smart student an you know how to succeed in a wide variety of subjects. One of them being Biology! I would love it if I could enlist you helping me study an explain ideas an concepts to me. I can see you as a very good teacher an I would be honored to have you as my tutor.
Now my final point, man this is the hardest section i think that I have yo write. Now this is the second part to my other message that I wrote first. I didnt want to include this part of the message because I wanted to see what you had to say first an after hearing what i did get from your reply i felt like i should include it here in this message.
---I feel like i have come a long ass way with you! i feel like you have made me into the better person that I am today an i am not saying that to just say that, I really do mean it. Another part of that is that i think that one of the reasons that I keep chasing after you as I call it, is because I think I am connected with you more than on a personal level, an even a sexual level. I think that i am experiencing the mirror imaging of my first love/romance. Yes i did just day that an I know i was surprised to come to that too. But when I think about it, i have never chased after a guy so hard an so long in my entire life. I wrote out one day what i like about you an what i cant stand about you. An after reading that list an making it I really felt as if i wanted to be with you forever. i know this is a bit late from the other message but i mean i think that this blog site is a good place for me to express freely what I am feeling an that is one of the last emotions that i wanted to make sure you were aware of. I know this is a shock to you an hope you dont get freaked out about it or anything, But i do really think I love you an I want to do something with that love other than being friends...if at all possible. I dont know how u are going to take this but i hope you take it in the best way possible an that is speaking to you directly from my heart.
So i guess after this long message you are throughly confused an prolly need to take a nap lol. But back to the conversation about Sussie, War Eagle!!!
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