Truth

Dear Diary,

As you can see this is my first entry. I have decided to write to you today because of a friend of mine whom also writes to his journal. He writes his thoughts, feelings, emotions, problems, ideas, an concerns into his journal an because of this I have decided to have a journal of my own. I will call you Jezmyne. A Jezmyne in my mind is like jewel, only it is worth more an has a deeper, personnel meaning.

Seeing as I dont know who will read this, the names I use may not always be real people. They may sometimes be names I like or describing the persons behavior. But anyway this is the first official entry to a new me.

About me I am a college student who loves to socialize! I am an only child an I love animals. I love sports watching tv an cooking. But this is not what you all wanted to hear about it so im going to get to the real information.

I am a complicated individual. I am somewhat difficult to understand. Now i don't want to come off as a mean, dumb, slut, or any other verb or adjective that you may associate me with but i am going to start with the only thing that i know to start with. The person who inspired me. We are going to call him Truth. Truth is a guy that I met within my first few weeks of college. Being in a new state, new people, new life i was on top of the world. I was convinced that this was going to be my new change an I was going to be a totally different person than I was in high school. But then i met Truth. Truth changed my life. He brought things to my attention, demonstrated things to me, an opened my eyes to different things that I never knew about myself. But Truth, he hurt me in some ways that i can not believe I let happened. When I first met Truth he came to my dorm an we conversed for awhile an one thing led to another an we ended up in my dorm room. After this night I became very close to Truth. Truth held my heart an I dont think he realized that he did. After my first encounter with Truth i wanted to be with him every day! Even as I am writing this now i wish i was with him. as u continue u will probably wonder why i wish to be with him, but i can not explain it to you. Anyway Truth, brought me into woman hood one night an I will never forget this night with him. It was not what i was expecting it to be but i have no regrets about it to this day. I am not sure what he feels about this night but i know that for me it was life changing. After this it feels like to me that Truth an I's relation only grew on a sexual level. I could not get enough of him. He could tough me, talk to me, an do things that made me want him even that much more. Every time when he would come over i never wanted him to go. Hoping I could only hold on to him just a few seconds longer. Hoping i could get one more kiss, hug, or tough to last me till the nxt visit. After seeing him about 4 times I wanted him all to myself! I wanted him as my boyfriend an i wanted to hold on an never let go. ironically, after this 4th visit i did not hear from Truth for quiet sometime. An to be honest I didnt miss him. I felt as if I had been abandoned an betrayed by him an him leaving was not as much of a hurt that i thought it would have been. after a month or so Truth txt messaged me. It felt as if we had started over in our relationship in some way. I was surprised to see him back. It started off again very fast. He came over again an we talked an made up for hurting each others feelings an we were happy. Now what really confused me was after i thought about it Truth had been mad at me or i was angry with him on every encounter that we had had. now on the first meeting that we had with each other that we were not mad at one another it ended up bad. This one night of our last visit was the best night of my life!!! It started in the car with the fogged up windows an continued up to my dorm room. I have never felt so totally comfortable with a man in my entire life! Just being in his pressence eases me an makes me one with him. I have never felt like this with anyone an here is someone whom i am having this experience with. Truth became my teacher. He showed me things that i had never experienced. This night i thought i had captured Truth in my heart an I thought that he would be mine. I thought we had totally connected but only to come to find out later we had not. After this meeting we went on christmas break. Talking to Truth everyday for the first 2 weeks we learned A LOT about each other. Deals were made, ideas were thought of an plans were made. Only to learn yesterday to be exact that this man i have had a relationship with tells me that he is not looking to be in a relationship with me. He has another "shawty" as he would say, an he was not looking to be with me. I was hurt, to be honest, an i dont think that he realizes that he did. I felt as if he had not takin into consideration to what i wanted in life an was only thinking about himself. Which to be fair that is all he should be thinking about. But as he would say i am a selfish person but i know what i want an i dont know how to get what i want without being selfish. Truth made me learn about myself in this process, an as i talk to him i get nervous about what i say to him because i dont want to run him off or loose him. I feel as if i am chasing after him only hoping that he looks back for a brief moment. The bad part of this story is i dont know what i want from this man. Some days i want him just for sex, other days i want him for conversation, an some days i want him for advice. We have both agreed that we would be better as friends. An this makes sense to me. But i dont know that i want him as a friend. i want him for all the above reasons an more. I want him to know that no matter what he thinks of me i am totally honest with him, only want whats best for him, wants to make something out of this mess of a ball that i feel like we are in. You have become one of the people i really trust in this world Truth an I cant imagine letting anyone else have you. The reason i call u truth is because you were the truth that i needed in my life. Sometimes you make me feel horrible about myself, you make me wonder y i do what i do, an i feel bad if i have hurt you. After talking to you today u made me want you even more. I know u cant hear this or see this but as i write my eyes fill with teas bc i dont know what is going to happen at the end of this note. I dont know what u will say or how u wil act. Basically what i want to get across to you in this note is that i never want to lose you an i want you as more than a friend! I dont want to have to share you an I dont understand y u dont see the same things in me. So i am going to stop here an hear what u have to say an then depending on your answer i will write the nxt part.

So good bye for now!